"What do you want?", the question that we are always asked when we look indecisive, but the worst question that somebody can ask us because it just generates more frustration than relief. 'What is your dream? just follow it', a phrase so easy to say but that has too many complications when you think about it. Today, I feel the need to run away from my own thoughts. Today, the least that I want to do is self-introspection with what I want and don't want in life. I am a sea of confusions because of all the inconclusive answers. I am a desert full of loud questions and uncertainties.
I do not know what I want. I ask myself every day if I am taking the right path. Today, I wonder if there's going to be a Sunday morning when I open my eyes to truly know myself the way I know anybody else. I am a person who usually likes to play it safe.
But, how do I accept the fact that everything in this life is so uncertain that the worst thing you can do is to grab yourself from any comfort zone? I know that the goal of every individual is to not being dependent on anything or anyone but, to what or to whom do I lean to when doubts come to cloud my vision and my feet tremble because of the fear of taking that decision? The uncertainty running through my veins is too heavy right now. The only thing I know for sure is that I do not like changes when they are imposed. All I know now, is that my heart breaks every time I remember that soon enough, you and I will turn into different directions. Today, I have you here with me, looking directly into my eyes while we listen to the sound of the wind on the afternoon of May 9th, and the only thing I can think about is that my time with you is running away like water through my fingers. The fact that soon everything will change and you ... 24/7 will no longer be with me, causes me to shudder even more with each hug you give me. "What do you want?", you ask me with desperation in your voice to hear an answer that will make me stay away from that plane. "I thought this was your dream ...", you complain, when I say that I am going to give myself into what has being presented to me and that, that doesn't include me staying here. "Everyone will move on when you are gone ..." you say, as if I was thinking that you will be in the future waiting here for me.
‘I just want you to stay here because I will miss you', you repeat over and over, without saying any other –stronger– reason of why should I do so.
Surely, everything is in my head and you really do not feel the same sadness that I feel when the though of me moving away from you comes in. I am sure that the way you look at me while being just a few inches away – that even your heart beat I can hear –, is just a normal thing that you would do with any of your other friends. So, there's no need to worry about crushing this friendship. I laugh instead of crying over the acceptance of the idea that I will never tell you how you truly make me feel.
"What do you want?", you ask me without realising that no matter the moment or place where we are, I will always answer it with a lie. "What do you want?", you ask me.
Do you really want to know?, I ask you.
Text by Letters in Quotes ®
Photo by Film Plus Digital.