Letter #32: To my third pillar that just left me.

Updated: Jan 7, 2020


Impotence, sadness, pain ... is a strange combination.

It is the first time I've been through something like this.

It is the first time I don't know how to solve a problem.

It is the first time I really live what it is like to feel how my heart breaks piece by piece.

Your cycle is over and all I can do is not accept it.

Since I have memory you were always for me.

Always by my side, supporting me and advising me on whatever you could.

Always by my side, loving me in such a pure way that it made it magical.

Always by my side, always being my number one, always being your number one ...

Always with you, always together as one.

I thank you from the bottom of my heart because ...

You always gave me your best version.

You always gave me a smile and a warm hug.

I loved to fall asleep surrounded by your arms listening to the beating of your heart.

Your room was my security zone every time the fights with my parents (between eating the vegetable soup vs. the french fries) reached our ears and all I wanted was to get away from them because of my short perception and lack of maturity.

Your arms were my support when all I wanted was to cry to let off steam.

I have no words to define what I am feeling right now.

The only description is the graphic, the one that is coming out of my eyes, falling down my cheeks, straight to the keyboard as I write this, missing all our moments.

I lost the enjoyment of food, it doesn't make me hungry anymore.

I spend most of my time in a bad mood with myself and with the people around me because I don't feel complete inside and that is largely because a part of me, of my heart, of my life ... is leaving me now.

I don't know what I'm going to do from now on whenever I need your advice.

The only thing I do know is that I feel calm that you are no longer suffering anymore.

The only thing I do know is that no human being would have to suffer all that you endured for this last half year.

The only thing I do know is that it hurts that you will no longer be on the other side of the phone waiting for my call.

The only thing I do know is that if I said I loved you before, I fell short.

The only thing I do know is that there are no words to express how much I will need you.

If I could I would give you my years of life.

If I could, I would go back a year ago when I received phone calls from you and we started talking for hours about everything that had happened to us.

If I could, I would go back in time and I would visit you more.

If I could, I would invite you to my apartment with me and we would watch movies as we always talked about what we would do and because of "I was busy" we could never do it.

If I could, I would only travel with you and nobody else.

If I could, I would give you more years of life even if mine had to be shortened.

If I only could….

Our promise that I was going to drive the car and was going to take you to lunch, was fulfilled.

Our promise that you were going to see me graduate from my degree, was fulfilled.

But, what happened to our promise that you would go to my wedding?

What happened to our promise that you would meet your great grandchildren?

What happened to all the plans we had together?

It was not in our plans that this moment would come so quickly.

What happened?! Why suddenly I feel that everything is falling apart?

Why suddenly I feel that I am not as strong as I thought I was?

Why suddenly I only repeat to my ear: 'Why God ... Why did it had to happen right now?

Everything went so fast…

I miss you too much, it's the only thing I can say.

I love you too much, and that will never change.

Your great grandchildren will know you as the best grandmother who could have ever existed on the face of the Earth.

I love you too much and I miss you.

Take care of her God, now that she is by your side.

Knowing that, is the only thing that gives me asylum in this great pain of my heart.

Thank you for putting her on my way as a guide.

Thank you for putting her as my third pillar.

Thank God for giving me this great human being that I had the fortune to love.

Grandma, thank you for all the love you gave me since I was born.

I will make you proud, you'll see.

Wherever you are, don’t forget me.

Text by Letters in Quotes®.

Photo by Mark Boss.

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